It seems that recent have events have been conspiring to shake my self-confidence lately. As someone who has felt so sure of where he’s been going for the past year or so, suddenly I’m feeling much less cocky. I’m entering a transition, to be sure, from mostly just classes to classes mostly being over and having to put that stuff to use now. Maybe that’s part of it, but I don’t think so. It’s other things; things I take personally, but probably shouldn’t, but do anyway, because that’s just what I do. They’re things that don’t reflect upon my ability but make me feel less competent anyway. Things that undermine my faith in pursuing future education, at least formally.

I’m feeling beaten down a little this semester, and feel a bit like I can’t win, no matter what I try to do. And it’s frustrating. I work hard. I’m smart. Perhaps I could work a little harder and be a little smarter. Maybe it’s just silly academia politics. I don’t know. But, once again, I’m finding myself laying awake at night, questioning my decisions, and wondering, “Is this really where I belong, and what I’m supposed to be doing?” I know it is, but I have to fight my own internal impulses to believe otherwise, to want to run away again because it’s hard and painful, and I’ve been really confused lately. Especially this past week. I feel as if I’m returning to that struggle to prove myself that makes me feel so inadequate.

Does this happen to everyone? I hate it.


3 responses to “Doubt

  1. I have come to terms with doubt…it’s keeps us thinking and reiviewing.
    I’m more wary of supreme confidence and surety. I think doubt is useful when it keeps us honest and curious about what’s next, not when it makes us doubt our ability. The truth is any path is the right one, and any path means not taking some other path. The conumdrum of life, can’t do it all, have to give up a few things that look really good sometimes.
    Are you capable, can you do it Ryan? Yes, without a doubt.

  2. dude, of course you can do it! silly. it’s just a momentary blip. trust me, i think i suck half the time and feel somewhat competent the other half. but shit, i don’t care. i love to do it, so regardless i’ll keep doing it. you’re so right for this, it’s not even funny. eat a cookie and move on. love from texas.

  3. it’s happening to me right now, and it has happened many times before, and i am hoping it goes away soon, as i am hoping it does for you. the more you fight it the more it lingers, though. just wallow in it awhile to get whatever wisdom you can out of it and then when there’s no more wisdom to be got tell the feeling to go fuck itself.

    you kick ass but if you didn’t have doubts you would probably not be cut out to serve people in the first place– who wants a cocky asshole without any self-reflection therapizing them?

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