It seems that recent have events have been conspiring to shake my self-confidence lately. As someone who has felt so sure of where he’s been going for the past year or so, suddenly I’m feeling much less cocky. I’m entering a transition, to be sure, from mostly just classes to classes mostly being over and having to put that stuff to use now. Maybe that’s part of it, but I don’t think so. It’s other things; things I take personally, but probably shouldn’t, but do anyway, because that’s just what I do. They’re things that don’t reflect upon my ability but make me feel less competent anyway. Things that undermine my faith in pursuing future education, at least formally.
I’m feeling beaten down a little this semester, and feel a bit like I can’t win, no matter what I try to do. And it’s frustrating. I work hard. I’m smart. Perhaps I could work a little harder and be a little smarter. Maybe it’s just silly academia politics. I don’t know. But, once again, I’m finding myself laying awake at night, questioning my decisions, and wondering, “Is this really where I belong, and what I’m supposed to be doing?” I know it is, but I have to fight my own internal impulses to believe otherwise, to want to run away again because it’s hard and painful, and I’ve been really confused lately. Especially this past week. I feel as if I’m returning to that struggle to prove myself that makes me feel so inadequate.
Does this happen to everyone? I hate it.