My letter to Dan Savage

After reading a letter, and his subsequent response, tonight in the print edition of Savage Love in last week’s Portland Mercury, I immediately got on my computer and fired off an appalled response to Dan Savage’s response. I wonder if he’ll respond to my response to his response. Or, hopefully, if a lot of other people also responded the way I did already. Which is what I hope. Below I have printed the original letter, Savage’s response, then my email to Savage.

At a recent party in Paris, I fucked a Spanish girl in an inflatable igloo. As we were going at it—standing up, from behind, clothes mostly on—she put her fingers in her ass. Being the gentleman I am, I asked if she’d prefer something (slightly) more substantial in there. She said yes; I put it in. After a few minutes, I began to smell something foul. I prayed to the God I don’t believe exists that it wasn’t what I suspected. I finally looked down and saw that her ass and my dick were covered in brown. On the verge of vomiting, I tried to stay calm and make what I would consider to be a traumatic situation for her a little less embarrassing.

Thing is, she wasn’t embarrassed. She didn’t seem to mind. In fact, after I lost my erection, removed my socks and underwear, and used them to try to clean things up, she sucked me off. The next day, I received a text from her saying that she had a great time. No apology for shitting on me, no quip to lighten things up. I’d suspect that she forgot the whole ordeal (she was drunk), but I’m confident that despite my efforts to clean up, she awoke the next day with shit on her person and skirt. In the days since, my sympathy for the cute little thing has turned into resentment. Shouldn’t she have known she had to poop? Shouldn’t she have apologized?

Shitty Shitty Bang Bang

Dan’s response:

You did all the right things after that Spanish tramp shit on you—and we’re talking shit here, not a splash or two of santorum. You pulled out, you cleaned up, you moved on to something else. Some folks would’ve freaked but, eh, those folks don’t get it. You can put lipstick on an ass, my friends, but it’s still an ass. Shit happens, as the saying goes. Shit shouldn’t happen; it’s gross when it does. But when you’re fucking ass, shit has to be regarded as a “known known.”

The accidental shitter, however, owes the mortified shittee the courtesy of being appropriately mortified; the shitter should also quickly assume all clean-up duties (oral doesn’t count); and if the shittee is being cool about it, the shitter should thank the shittee for not making a big deal about it. Based on this girl’s actions, SSBB, I’d say she was blind drunk, utterly clueless, into shit, or all of the above. Whatever her major malfunction, SSBB, wipe her number from your phone’s memory.

And lastly, my email to Dan Savage:

Dear Mr. Savage,

I sincerely hope that you have been barraged by other readers of yours that are just as appalled as I am at your response to the man who fucked a Spanish girl in Paris and got shat on. You state in your response that the Spanish girl was “blind drunk, utterly clueless, into shit, or all of the above.” What I cannot believe you did not mention was the responsibility of the shittee in this situation.

First of all, the man never mentions whether or not he was wearing a condom while fucking some total stranger up the ass at a party, which I sincerely hope he was for a whole host of reasons, but not least because she “sucked him off” after shitting all over his dick. Why do you not call him out for this, or at least mention it? Since it goes unmentioned, I will assume that the writer of the letter just assumed that everyone would know that he was wearing a condom.

Secondly, you say that if she’s not into shit, then she must have been “blind drunk,” which I found to be the most disturbing and irresponsible part of your response. If she was, in fact, “blind drunk,” as you put it, where is the responsibility of the shittee to have not fucked her and taken advantage of her highly inebriated state? Last time I checked, that was rape.

The fact that you didn’t see fit to admonish the letter writer for neither (possibly) not wearing a condom or not date raping someone is incredibly disappointing. You’re usually so on top of this stuff. Was something edited out of the shittee’s original letter? And if not, why would you so glibly toss off the possibility of some girl being “blind drunk” ass-fucking a stranger (possibly “unsafely”), then criminalize her and make a joke about it.

Very bad form.

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