You probably haven’t, but I have

My friend Mandy tagged me today for a meme about 10 things that she’s done that she thinks you haven’t done, where I’m supposed to write 10 things about myself. We’ll see. But here goes, in no particular order:

1. Drawn pubic hair on a naked Ken doll with a Sharpie when you were 5. I did that. And got it taken away from me.

2. Called a police officer a “fucker” as he was writing you out a ticket. A $120 ticket, I might add, for “changing lanes unsafely” on a mostly empty interstate in Oklahoma. That was also the second ticket I’d received that day, and I’m pretty sure that’s why he went ahead and wrote it out to me. The first was for speeding, 79 in a 70. Also in Oklahoma. I hate Oklahoma. But these were both in 1996, and I haven’t gotten a single ticket since. Also, I muttered the obscenity under my breath, so I don’t truthfully know if he heard me or not. But he was standing right at my window.

3. I was arrested in high school. It’s not really a very good story, so I won’t tell it, but I think it’s cool to say that I got arrested in high school. I even had to go to court and stuff!

4. I once posed nude for a professional photographer. Maybe not one of my proudest moments, but I enjoyed it, I won’t lie. They were black and white, and “artsy” and I got paid $100 an hour. I sometimes wonder if they’re actually floating around out there anywhere.

5. Also (definitely) not one of my proudest moments, a certain friend and I used to be quite the vandals in high school. We would go to where whole subdivisions were being built, and pick a house and just fuck it up. Smash windows, rip doors off jambs, break things inside of it. I have no idea, actually, at the time, what posessed me to be so hostile and violent, and I can honestly say I’m quite ashamed of having done stuff like that when I was younger. Also amazed that I never got caught (so that’s not why I was arrested, though I was arrested for trespassing). I once also spray painted nasty stuff about people all over my high school the last weekend of Christmas break my junior year, but by Monday it had all been scrubbed off. I was really disappointed.

Why is everything on my list bad? Let’s see if I can think of some positive things!

6. In 2004, I won the highest honor (which included a trophy and $1,000) at a film festival. The exact award was the “Founder’s Award,” for the most promising new filmmaker. Of course I was supposed to use the thousand bucks to make another film, but naturally I didn’t. I used it to pay for the film I’d won the award for.

7. I once thought I’d gotten a lesbian pregnant. (In retrospect, I think she was just a big, giant drama queen.) Naturally, the first time (and only, up to this point) I have sex with a girl would result in pregnancy, I thought to myself (I was 20). Anyway, the clinic in Dallas that she arbitrarily picked to go get a pregnancy test, was, unbeknownst to her, a super Christian clinic. When they asked what we were thinking of doing with the baby, and we replied most likely aborting it, they made us watch this awful (and extremely graphic) movie about abortions which made me furious. Then they asked if we were married, and we both said no, that we were both gay, and just had sex for the hell of it, and had no interest in babies, then looked at each other and laughed hysterically. The counselor lady was horrified. That, actually, might be one of my prouder moments. And needless to say, she wasn’t pregnant.

8. I took a vacation all by myself. It was only for 3 days, and it was only to Pittsburgh (because I was obsessed with Wonder Boys. I know….), but it was a really big step for me, and I was in recovery from an awful breakup. I was scared shitless to go by myself, but I ended up really enjoying myself and learning a lot. Just in 3 days.

9. I have twiced now moved sight unseen to cities; first Austin then Portland. Austin worked out great. Hopefully Portland will too.

10. And last but not least, I once got into a huge fight with an ex-boyfriend (though we were still living together) in the middle of a restaurant in Austin which culminated in my shouting, “Jesus, how many people have you fucked in the last month?!!” really, really loudly. The waitress avoided our table for awhile.

The end!


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